Take Me Out To The Ball Shame

If you beg them they will come.

First off, I am pleased to report that my parents arrived this evening in Kanab in good order. Tonight we had a most civilized dinner at Escobar’s and the proceeded to Fredonia for a Best Friends softball game. You see, the regular season is over (I think—or is close anyway) but tonight was a make-up game that was rescheduled in light of last week’s thunderstorms. So we packed up the cars, the coolers, the lawn chairs, the parents, and headed over to the field. Jon has been a member of the team since early this season and has really been enjoying it. I’ve been to most of the games with him, in support of the endeavor. My presence as a sideline cheerleader and designated beer drinker ended tonight.

Tonight, I batted.

I would like to say that I was wooed like a celebrity to join the game but really it boiled down to the fact that the team has a shortage of women players and would have to forfeit if they didn’t have another female on the roster. So, in effect I was begged and then finally conceded.

Never played the sport, never really watched it either, so I was pretty far out of my comfort zone. Still, the team needed me, and while I warned them that they would be better off taking the out, they put me in anyway. As a result, I’m not sure who suffered more.

I was informed that I would play catcher and that I didn’t need to do anything but stand at home base, catch the missed pitches, and toss them back to the pitcher. Fair enough. A few throws back and forth and I had that bit down. Then came the batting.

As it turns out, we were first up to bat. Being the newbie, I was (thankfully) placed near the end of the list, but alas we made it almost through the cycle and I was up. I gingerly made my way up to home base and assumed the position. First pitch came, I balked. It fell beautifully in the center of the plate. Whoops. Steerike. The ump was trying to explain to me that meant I had 2 outs (because that’s the rules or something) but to me it was all gibberish. I nodded to him as if I understood and then turned from the ump and faced the pitcher again. He pitched. I swung. I made contact. I was shocked, and I paused. And then I ran for my life.

I’m pretty sure the infielder had already caught the ball and outed me, but I figured I’d put my heart into it. What happened next, I can’t really explain. I’m sure it happened in slow motion. A glorious skid to first base, you ask? Ummm....not so much. About three quarters of the way to first base I tripped over my two left feet, and proceeded to gacefully careen downward, and in an instant….I ate MAJOR SHIT.

I fell on my right side, mostly on my upper arm and shoulder, but managed to scrape off a layer of skin on both my right knee and elbow. You have to understand that this southwest sand diamond is not just regular soft dirt, to the contrary it’s this very unforgiving red sand and pebble graveyard. It was like skidding across a cheese grater on all fours. Yeah, pretty gross.

I gimped away to my lawn chair where my parents were stationed and grabbed my beer trying to shake off the sting. Blood was dripping dramatically from my knee and elbow. Strangely, it didn’t really hurt that badly, in fact it was numb. I’d just succeeded in removing a layer of my delicate epidermis, but oddly my ego was in more agony than my body.

Needless to say I was pretty horrified by my embarrassing mistake and declared myself out for the rest of the game. Jon took off his undershirt (a Nightside t-shirt, no less) and we sopped up the blood on my limbs. Our friend Rich retrieved a first aid kit from the concession stand and patched me up pretty well. I am pretty sore (my shoulder and arm are pretty wrecked, and I somehow pulled an ab muscle in the mayhem) however I am disappointed to report that all of that blood and gravel equates to some pretty benign looking scrapes on my knee and elbow. Oh well.

It will likely come as no shock that I have at this time retired from my softball career. I like to be good at everything, but I suppose that's not so realistic. But I must say I have a pretty great life. Great husband, great parents, great pets, great house, great job.

I guess you can’t have everything.